5 Reasons Why Being a Hopeless Romantic Sucks (Or, The Cons of Being a Hopeless Romantic)

Hi, my name is Nikki and I'm a recovering Hopeless Romantic. *crowd groans the obligatorily "Hi Nikki"*

With Valentine's Day coming up, I started reflecting on why I have disowned my previous identity as a Hopeless Romantic and what that means for my future self. I can't help but feel calloused to this holiday, even when I was a naive girl with my head in the clouds waiting for something amazing to happen, it just seemed like this holiday wasn't all it was chalked up to be. No, I'm not one of those girls who expected two dozen pristine red roses, luxurious chocolates, and jewelry, because I do recognize the capitalism behind the "Hallmark" holiday. However, I did expect something heartfelt and romantic from the person who cares about me and knows me well. Is that too much to ask?

But, that's only a fraction of the reason of how I came to my conclusion: Being a romantic IS hopeless, especially this day and age. With the instant gratification of swiping left (or is it right? I don't know, I've never used Tinder), double tapping pictures, and exchanging raunchy self-deleting messages and pictures, it's pretty obvious that our generation has lost the art of romance. The few of us who do still hope for something out of (insert any romantic movie title here) are left to hide behind a necessary mask as to not show our vulnerability in fear of being attacked. We are the minority, the open hearts not afraid to love, even when it hurts. Fall [in love], get hurt, cry, stand up, brush yourself off, move forward, repeat.

5 Reasons Why Being a Hopeless Romantic Sucks

1. Unrealistic Expectations
We watch too many sappy movies, and then wonder why there is no one out there who will do that for us. We secretly want grand gestures, emotional declarations of love, and the passion that follows a big fight just like in the movies. Why can't we just have that? Oh yeah, because it's unrealistic. No one wants to make everyday things into a big deal or have big fights just to make up. That shit takes a lot of energy and many people like to call that "drama". I've been told I expect too much from my partners, and maybe that's true, but if they really loved me, they would do it because it makes me happy...right? Wrong. The ideal relationship you have in your head will never exist because it's not just about you. You also need to consider the other person in the relationship and be realistic. As much as you hate to admit it, let alone hear it, life is not like the movies. Hi, we live in reality.

2. Disappointment
Referring back to #1, having expectations that are not met inevitably leads to disappointment. I think this is the worst part of anything in life. We set ourselves up for disappointment by thinking someone will take a hint and do that romantic thing we told them about, thinking they are secretly planning something, or hoping they change. Even if they do something that is their idea of romance, it never quite reaches our expectations and we are left disappointed even when they do do something. This is a fault in ourselves and not the other person.

3. Unequal Relationships
We give too much. Plain and simple. We give too much thinking the other person will put just as much into the relationship if we initiate. However, this is flawed thinking. It's not truly a thoughtful gift or a nice gesture if we secretly expect something in return. That's not to say that the other person shouldn't return the favor at some point, because relationships are give and take, but somehow we always end up with the takers. It's never 50/50.

4. Lots of Heartbreak
It seems we never learn. Either we want to make it work with the wrong person (see Takers above), or we try to force a situation that is not meant to be. From a young age we experience the sadness of broken heart and as we grow, it seems to never stop. Maybe we're too open, maybe we just simply want it to work out they way we have it in our minds, but along the path of love,  it seems we fall down more than most.

5. You Don't Give Up...Even When You Should
Even when we've had our hearts stepped on, battered, beaten, bruised and shattered, we still somehow manage to see a light at the end of the tunnel. We continue in the darkness with a glimmer of hope and we truly believe things will get better. We'll find our One, have the grand realization that our dreams have come true and things will all come together and finally make sense. After all the bullshit we've been through and put up with in our past, we still press on with positivity and hope. That, my friends, is strength...or stupidity. It depends on your perspective, but since this post is about why being a hopeless romantic sucks, I'll argue the latter. Why would you possibly still have this ridiculous idea of THE ONE and fill your mind with Hollywood versions of what relationships are and forever be let down? Don't hold onto those toxic relationships, don't put up with anyone else's bullshit and don't allow your heart to run your life because your heart has no logic. You will only hurt yourself. And that's even worse than someone else hurting you because you had the power to change it.




Stay tuned for the Pros of Being a Hopeless Romantic, because everything needs some balance and I don't want to sound too much like a cynical bitch.

Less Than 1 Month Until Moving to Europe

Countdown: 20 days

What I’ve been doing in the past couple of weeks:

• Canceling magazine and other subscriptions
• Unsubscribing from emails I won’t need abroad (coupons, store sales, etc)
• Switching the utilities from my name to my “roommate’s” name
• Dental checkups and procedures
• Doctor appointments and follow ups
• Travel vaccinations (I advise starting these 2 months before you leave)
• Changing my address to my mom’s at the post office
• Spending time with friends and family
• Packing, packing and more packing
• Purging old clothes and unnecessary things to give away, sell or donate
• Haircut with an easy going style
• Putting things aside to put in my carry on or checked bag
• Reconsidering the things I set aside to take along
• Drinking all the wine on my wine rack (because you never waste wine)

This is the "after" picture and isn't even all my shit!

My apartment is filled with boxes stacked high and wide. It feels empty, and less and less like my home. My special things no longer decorate the walls or fill the shelves. In an attempt to fill the barrenness, S has hung a few comic books around, but they don’t quite fill the void.

Since we officially had The Talk last Sunday, it’s been a bit strange, but mostly relieving. We both agreed we no longer feel a romantic connection and it is way easier being best friends than it is being a partner. I expect too much, he’s irresponsible. I need something else that he can’t give me anymore. Being with me has become a chore to him. It’s just over. We still love each other and living together has been mostly fine since, but there is still the feeling of impending doom of my absence. We still behave like we are a couple sometimes, but old habits are hard to break. After this week, I should be all packed up and have decided to switch off staying with my Grandma and parents until I leave. It’s all very emotional, but I know this is nothing compared to how I’ll feel when I get to Florence and it all hits me.

On a lighter note…

My best friend came to visit for 4^th of July and I had the best weekend I’ve had in a long time. Poolside barbeque with all my friends, sun bathing, baseball game (Go Dodgers!), hot dogs and hamburgers, ice cold beer, fireworks, and dancing the night away at our favorite bar: the most American things we could have possibly done. It was the perfect Independence Day.

Take me out to the ballgame

I cried the day she left. I doubted my decision again, but I remembered what she told me. I can always come back home if I don’t like it. This is something I’ve always wanted and now I’m finally getting it. No matter how hard it will be, I’ll still be there fulfilling my dream. It’s a win-win no matter what. This is why I need her.

I think I'll miss America...

I'm Actually Leaving: Moment of Weakness

To misquote Will Ferrell, "I love wine, wine-y, wine, wine!" That wasn't it? Oh well.

Countdown: 4 weeks and 5 days until departure.

So, I've been feeling my reality lately. This past weekend, I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond to spend a gift card I had. I figured I could buy a few things for traveling, so I went and took my time on a Saturday afternoon. The bed linens, the curtains, the kitchen appliances, I enjoyed it all. I love interior decorating. Making a new apartment feel like a home, customizing a space, choosing a new color scheme. I love making things cozy. Until it hit me. As I was wandering down each isle, I became more and more aware of my situation. I have no home. I can't decorate, I can't "nest", I can't get comfortable. This is my reality.

As I browsed the bedding section, I fought back tears. Stay strong. I can't take any of this stuff with me. Who really needs stuff anyway? I don't. Fuck stuff.  We Americans think we need so much until we realize we don't. The problem is, we don't realize it until it's too late. But I have. I know that this is only more crap I won't need later. More things that will take up valuable space in my carry-on. Whatever I need, I can get in Italy.

Next thing I knew, I was bawling my eyes out sitting in my car alone in the parking lot. What am I doing? This is real. This is happening. I don't have a home, I won't have a home for a long time. I can't believe I'm doing this.

As I'm sitting there, totally aware of my normal behavior, and consciously avoiding it, I thought about my adult life and how many places I've lived, decorated and felt comfortable in. That made me cry harder. This was the first time it hit me. I already missed the people, the places, the feelings. I was scared to leave home.

Breaking Up to Travel

Ah, the familiar phrase I've Googled many, many times.

If you're thinking about it, you're already on your way. I'm speaking from experience. In the 3 major relationships in my adult life, I can honestly say that my wanderlust was a major factor in our break ups. Italy is seriously my mistress....er, mister?

Exhibit A: College Sweetheart, who we will call "J".

J was every girl's dream. 6’4” collegiate athlete, gentleman, scholar, and my god we were hot between the sheets.  Seriously, best sex of my life, for THREE straight years! He was an aquarius and we worked. However, he wanted the typical American dream: white picket fence, beautiful blonde wife with a heart of gold (that could have been me), anglo babies, and to retire on our pensions where we would travel once a year to an English speaking country. Snore. Clearly, that wasn't my dream. It wasn't until later I realized this and our problems arose. After getting our own apartment that year, his getting accepted into a masters program, having our 3 year anniversary, and celebrating Christmas with each others' families, all of a sudden I felt panicked. A week later, I broke it off. It was the biggest heart break I had ever experienced, but what was even harder was that I did it to myself. I had to live with my decision. From then on, I knew I needed to travel. We had fought about Italy, mostly, in the last stretch of our relationship and every day I felt more and more sure of my heart's wants. I needed to go. He didn't understand and that's where we divided. A month after we broke up, he was already dating another girl. The day I came to say goodbye since I was moving back to California, I told him that I knew he was going to marry the new girl and I told him I was going to crash his wedding. He ended up getting married to that same girl 4 years later. Their wedding was last month and I just found out last week. FML…hence the “that could have been me”. The rest is history, I guess. Nothing compares to your first love. You’re vulnerable, open to new things, and want it so badly to work out. You imagine getting married and having babies, and what it would be like to live out your happily ever after. To this day, nothing has come close to that relationship in all the ways that made us so great. I know he’s happy now, and I’m happy for him. As much as it hurt, I know I made the right decision and am so happy I did.

Exhibit B: The Fun One, who we will call "A".

A was the next serious relationship I had after moving back to California, post J. It had been about a year since the break up and I was ready to try love again. I knew I didn't want anything too serious, and A seemed like the perfect choice. He was fun, social, outgoing, and spontaneous. I loved it all. I didn't want anything serious; serious meaning "ready to get married, like yesterday", which I had experienced when I was casually dating around before I met him. Yeesh. A seemed like the perfect guy for where I was in life. He was actually the one who had helped me get to Italy in the first place, and for that, I am eternally grateful. They say some people come into your life for a reason, and I truly believe A was in mine to help me get to that place. We had a ton of fun, and went out almost every weekend with our amazing group of friends. When I came back from my 2 week trip to Italy, he realized that he "didn't want to be without me" and asked me to move in. I was extremely hesitant, but sometimes you gotta take chances in life. So I did. As the relationship went on, I realized it just wasn’t right. Maybe I outgrew our dynamic, or just felt that I knew there was something else out there for me, but I knew in my heart that it was time to go. He's a sweet guy and I still think positive things about him, but he wasn’t for me. In the midst of everything between my first trip to Italy and our breakup about a year later,  I had already planned a second trip to Italy and was going to be an Au Pair in Florence that summer. After our relationship ended, I swore to myself that I was going to keep my head down and focus on my trip that was coming up in 4 months....well, that didn't go as planned….

Exhibit C: S, The Creative One.

What a roller coaster this relationship has been. I met S only shortly after A and I had broken up and, I'll admit, I was in no place to start anything new. But, when has that ever stopped me?! Apparently, I'm a glutton for disaster. Textbook self-sabotager. S and I started seeing each other without realizing what we were getting into. He was new to LA, with a hopeful acting career and I was a poor dreamer living on my friend's couch until my trip, working at a coffee shop. He had this intelligent, artsy, sarcastic, hot nerd thing about him that I couldn’t resist. We hit it off right away and kind of stumbled into something without meaning to, and things got real serious real quick. Too much pressure too soon was a recipe for disaster. My second Italy trip was growing nearer and nearer every day and things were not getting any easier. In fact, they were really rough in the beginning. He had about 100 pounds of emotional baggage from his last relationship, and I was caught between looking forward and walking backward. I told myself I didn't want a relationship during my travels, but again, things happen. My second trip didn’t last as long as planned, but when I came back, shit got real. Next thing you know, we were 10 steps ahead of where a normal relationship should have been, but as we discovered, we’re not normal people. There was no time to really think about it, so we ended up signing a lease and moving into our very own apartment. Crazy. Through A LOT of ups and downs, we grew closer, understood each other better from our experiences, and learned a lot from each other. Things were going well after a year and half, and somehow we ended up rescuing our dog. I love my puppy child, don’t get me wrong, I just think hind sight is 20/20 and we really should have waited like we agreed. 2 months after getting a dog, I graduated with my bachelors degree and the travel bug bit again. Italy. This is about when I decided that I wanted to travel before it’s too late and right now seemed like my window of opportunity. S and I talked about it since he knows how important traveling is to me and we came to the agreement, through a hypothetical scenario, that he would support me if I wanted to teach English abroad. The following month, I enrolled in my TEFL course and here we are.

As you can see, Italy has been a major part of my break ups my entire adult life (among other things). I don't really believe in coincidence, which is why I think it is a serious calling. The feeling has been unshakable each time, like my soul is being called home. Cheesy, I know, but it’s true.

If you can relate, I’m telling you it’s worth it. The way I see it is, if you were meant to be with the person you’re with, then it will happen when and how it’s supposed to. If you’re thinking about leaving everything and everyone to gallivant the globe, then your mind is already made up. You wouldn’t be having those thoughts if it wasn’t what your heart truly wanted. It really does know what you want, and if I hadn’t followed mine when it told me to break up with J, I would probably be married and starting a life right now that I didn’t necessarily want. Sure, I’d be happy, but deep down inside I’d know this isn’t what I want. I told myself, after leaving J, that I did the right thing because I know that as the years went on, I would end up resenting him because I didn’t do what I wanted in my life. We would end up in an unhappy marriage and probably get a divorce all because I missed the signs from the universe and didn’t listen to my heart to go down the path I was meant to. Justify it however you want, but I can tell you with confidence that every hard decision I’ve made thus far in life has lead me here, and I couldn’t be happier.

I made my choices and had to live with them, but at the end of the day, I know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. This is my time to be selfish, so I am taking full advantage. I am following my heart.

When I planned my second trip to Italy, I was debating my relationship with A, and found this amazing blog post that helped me through a lot. Reading it now is even more eye opening. Check out Bacon is Magic's post about her experience and how she got through it here --> http://www.baconismagic.ca/chile/walked-away-from-love/ I really loved the way she opened up and told her story.

Did you ever break up to travel, or try to continue your relationship long distance? How did it end up? Have any advice? Leave a comment and tell your story.