Currently feeling: Vance Joy
I officially bought my plane tickets for the end of July and this is feeling very real. Knowing that my relationship has an expiration date now is the hardest part. I’m balancing so many things and trying to organize myself is becoming increasingly more difficult. Not only am I trying to keep my household normal (I live with my boyfriend and our dog), I’m doing work for my TEFL class, going through the hiring process to become a substitute teacher before I leave, feeling the sadness and bitterness from some close friends, dealing with the fact that my mom [very vocally] doesn’t support my decision to travel, and, on top of everything else, constantly having a growing list of things to do and to take care of before I go. Cancel the car insurance, switch the bills out of my name, pay off my credit card, get up to date with dentist and doctors appointments, set up my student loan payments, move all my stuff into storage, apply for visas, try to save as much money as possible while also trying to make time to see all my friends and family and have a good time with them before I go. The list goes on and on. Nobody blogs about how stressful this whole process is. Moving to a new country is proving not to be as romantic as I thought it would be and sometimes part of me begins to doubt if I realize what I’m actually doing. All the stress, all the worry, all the uncertainty. Is the juice really worth the squeeze? Am I doing the right thing? And then I remember, oh yeah, I’m following my fucking dream.
Aside from the planning, maintaining my relationship is the hardest part of all. We live together, so the emotional rollercoaster of knowing I’m leaving soon, wanting to pull away, actively trying not to pull away, realizing we only have 4 months and 13 days until we break up, then seeing it as having a whole 136 days to enjoy with each other, then repeating the whole cycle the next week, is exhausting. We both know this is necessary, though, not only for our relationship, but also for us as individuals. Me being gone will be a great time for Sam to focus and really buckle down to further his career. I hope everyday that something awesome happens for him before I go so he has something positive to focus on. As for me, well, I need to do this. As much as it sucks, I can’t stay. I love him, I love our dog, I love my family and my friends, and I love calling LA home, but something inside of me is telling me it’s time to go.
I am leaving everything comfortable and familiar behind in an attempt to fuel the wild fire of wanderlust in my soul.
Willingly and knowingly throwing myself into the unknown is the single scariest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not sure it’s the right thing, but it’s the only thing that feels right. I hope I’m heading in the right direction. The countdown begins.